The Phone Call

“I want your life”, she sighed.

I was speechless from the shock. It was a rare phone call from a friend. Rare because I was deep in the heart of stay-at-home-mommy hell and phone calls just to chat were a luxury I could no longer afford. The only reason I had even bothered to answer the phone on this particular morning was because I was stuck in a chair with a set of sick 13-month-old boys on my lap. I was in the chair because they had already thrown up on their beds, on the couch, and on the kitchen floor. There was no chance of my leaving the house anytime soon as I was wearing only a t-shirt and underpants - they had left their mark on all three pairs of sweats that still fit me, as well as a pair of my husbands that I had borrowed out of desperation. My four-year-old daughter was busy watching her fourth episode of “Dora” and eating her third pouch of fruit snacks. The boys were asleep, the girl was content, and the phone was sitting right next to me when it rang. I grabbed for the lifeline. At this point I would have chit chatted with a telemarketer, but I was absolutely thrilled to hear the voice of a good friend. Her “Hello…how are you?” brought tears to my eyes but I was not going to waste a minute of her call on my sorry situation so I sucked them back. I asked after her latest news and in the ensuing five minutes the cat yakked up a hairball on the rug, “Dora” ended, one boy woke up crying, the other jumped up and removed his diaper, and the Fed-Ex man rang the bell for a signature.

And THEN she said it.

OK, I get it that the “grass is always greener” and whatnot, but really?! I couldn’t even begin to fathom what sort of trauma she was going through if my life looked good to her. As far as I was concerned, I was operating just west of “Wacky” and trying to maintain control of the chaos was a farce worthy of a musical number and an address on Broadway. Had she asked even a little bit nicely, I probably would have pricked my finger and signed my life over in less time than it takes to say “Dora the Explorer”.

However, I didn’t (not that I actually think it is even possible). And, as it turns out, her life at the time actually did suck worse than mine…

To be completely fair, I had very little to complain about. I was laid off when the twins were six months old and quickly discovered that an entry-level salary at a new job would not cover daycare costs for three children. Fortunately, my husband’s job was secure, we were happily married and the kids were healthy. So I decided to try my hand at staying home with the kids. How hard could it be?

Well, it only took me about five minutes and one trip to the grocery store with three kids in tow to find out that parenting is a totally ridiculous experience and it’s the reason that perfectly normal grown-ups all over the world act like they have lost their minds. It’s because parenting causes you to lose your mind.

But not in a bad way…in a just west of Wacky, Broadway musical sort of way…